I don't talk to my boyfriends. That's why people think I am weird back home. One of the reasons, at least. They want me to talk to them more than I want to talk to them. The girls are supposed to want emotions, but not me. I want romance and all that, but I don't like when they are so needy! They want to possess me then, when I let them be needy. They give me needy face. Like a little boy who wants a toy and it is not sexy. Then I can't feel anything for them anymore.

So I meet nice Western guys. Australian, French, English. They think that China is just a big pile of sex and money for them. Not much different from their grandparents. They say they come for English jobs, but they really come to get paid and laid. Sleep with so many girls. But we are happy because they are something different. Not as traditional, not as controlling. Gives us something to look forward to besides the same thing every day.

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Since my cell phone bill came I have thought about telemarketing again. Mom yells at me every night 'I am paying your college bills so you pay your phone bill!' but it is shit right now in jobs. Nobody can get them. And when you do, serve chicken to people all night, get covered in oil and grease, and make 40 quid a week. When there's guys in the neighborhood making ten times that by selling pills to white kids.

My cousin works a nice job across the river but he looks like a punk wearing his suit every day. Not to mention that he has no friends anymore. He gets on the train at 8 every morning and comes back at 7 or so, and when there's snow it's later, and his boss makes him stay later a lot because he has to 'make his mark.' He says it will all be worth it but he don't even believe himself.

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I meet a guy from the US. I say in my head 'I would do him.' He is a nice guy, but not right away. I'm more curious about him than anything else.

I told him about how scared I am of the black people around here. He is from US so I think he might know something. Why are they always looking at me like that? When white guy sees me, I don't think he thinks bad things, but I know that black guys does. I am sitting in a large lecture and the black guy keeps looking at me. I know they are violent and I don't want to walk by myself, even during the day! The American guy says I am paranoid, that I should act like I am not scared. But then black guy might see that as an invitation, like I am slut. I am more vulnerable.

But I am not afraid of being raped. I know there is nothing I can do then. I told him that I am ready to be raped and it is not a problem. He says that's crazy and he doesn't believe me. But really there are worse things, like back home, that I won't tell him about.